There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
