Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
