Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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