I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
