After last night, I could never be a politician.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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