I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
