you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
