My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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