Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
