So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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