I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
