No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
