Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
