Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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