i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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