No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
