Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
