you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
