Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
