Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
