I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
