The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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