every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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