WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
