i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
