genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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