I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
