How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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