I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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