so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
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