i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
