I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I love having hate sex.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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