I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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