I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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