My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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