what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
