Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
