The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
soo... how was my night?
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