saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
