I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
