some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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