It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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