my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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