no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
