I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
