RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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