there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
