i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
