I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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