After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
