90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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