mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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