You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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