I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
