I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
