Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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