Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."