i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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