I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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