so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
