You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
