I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
pray to the hookup gods
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
