Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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