Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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