she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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