I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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