the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
